Unicorn spaces: redefining down-time in parenthood

Forgetting fun · The term · Reframing · Focus and flow · Contrast · Less guilt

What do you do for fun?

A new term entered my life this week, but it actually put a pin on something that had already been bothering me. The term is "unicorn spaces".

First, the incident. A colleague invited me to join the office ski trip this weekend. I had a strange reaction: it seemed absurd that I would get on a train at 6am and ski all day in the sunshine and snow, by choice. Which is absurd in itself, because this is exactly what I used to do. I was a snowboarder. We spent weekends in the mountains whenever we could.

I felt disloyal to my former self in how quickly I discounted it. I could see my colleague was bewildered. And I felt like the cliche of a harangued mother who says no to everything.

When I mentioned it to my husband that evening, he said maybe we should go. Bring the boys sledding, have a shared lunch. But I could not pinpoint why it did not appeal. It was not the time or effort. It was something else.

Finding the word for it

The next day, by coincidence, I listened to a podcast on the Motherly Network interviewing Eve Rodsky. I almost did not listen because I am already familiar with her work. I love the concepts behind Fair Play. I follow it, not to the letter of the law, but it is how I tick in our relationship. Let's just say we are ironing out the kinks forever and ever.

Eve has written a new book, Find Your Unicorn Space: Reclaim Your Creative Life in a Too-Busy World. And it explained my reaction to the ski trip perfectly.

Reframing down-time

My unicorn space is Studio Huske: the product work, the interiors, the design-hacking, the colour, the organisation systems. The free time I willfully carve out is reassigned to these activities, at this stage of my life. By that token, it tends to encompass things I can easily do from home, or within accessible distance, or with my kids.

This weekend I want to order a print for the boys' room. Pick the peel-and-stick wallpaper for the reading nook. Research the bookshelves I have been waiting for. That planning, measuring, checking, researching: it brings me genuine joy.

Realising that, and framing it that way, helped me feel less guilty about not being loyal to my former self.

Focus and flow

These activities are recognisable because you find yourself completely locked in, in what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi would call a state of flow. You are thriving.

But it is not just about finding the time. You also have to protect the conditions. Unicorn spaces are not compatible with multitasking or interruptions. They are too precious. They require focus and your full attention.

Since the industrial revolution we have basically said to men: we will guard your time as if it is finite, like diamonds. And we will insist that women treat their time as if it is infinite, like sand., Eve Rodsky

Contrast is everything

Through Fair Play, we learn not to flood our own schedule disproportionately. But the layer of unicorn space is a life raft. Even when the work is spread more fairly, we still need to decompress. We need contrast in our lives so that each day does not just flood the next.

I have had countless conversations with friends who are also parents where relationships get strained because neither person feels they have the right to time off. Through this reframing, I will give more credence to my partner's need to watch YouTube videos about bike parts. I have been dismissive of it in the past. But I can see now that it is one of his flow spaces, and I will be protective of it for him.

One of Eve's points is that unicorn spaces are almost mythical. They are not meeting a friend for coffee or getting your hair done, though those things matter too. Unicorn spaces are the things that, if you did not fight for them, you would not notice they were missing. Or you would feel they were missing, but you could build your life without them. They are almost mythical, but so much more special for it.

Less guilt, more recognition

I find it interesting that in order to justify my unicorn space, I had to monetise it. I freed up days from my primary job to dedicate to product work. Studio Huske is an extension of my unicorn space. So in order to feel better about it, I turned it into a business. But now that I have a fuller recognition of its value, I think I could frame it better and fight for it more in daily life, even without the business justification.

Before this, I was thinking: have I completely lost my identity that I do not want to spend time up the mountains? But having listened to this podcast, I realise: no, actually, my leisure time is just different now. It is a very purposefully plotted unicorn space activity. And when the kids are a little older and more independent, I think the older activities will creep back in. Here is hoping.

Kate